i decided that i would once and for all go dump the bank. i was pissed because i had tried to before but they wouldn’t let me because i had no ID. and then i was even more pissed when i was told by someone that they would still charge me the monthly fee when i went to close it. so i staggered into the bank, pretty damn pissed, and to make matters worse there was a HUGE line and the world’s most irritating little 12 year old "sk8r" kids who i just wanted to dropkick. somehow this little errand trip turned into going to Subway [the Subway that has been there for MONTHS and i didn’t realize it until a few days ago, from which i decided that eating Subway after divorcing the bank was the way to celebrate my success] from where we headed off to Home Depot for the millionth time. i swear, even contractors don’t go to Home Depot as much as we do. Mike assigned me with remembering that we needed a wrench. so the whole way there, every once in a while i would chime in with "we need a wrench" and giggle. after some time spent at the returns desk, we headed off… to the lightbulb aisle. apparently EVERY lightbulb in the house MUST be energy efficient. so we needed those energy ones but with smaller bases. so we wandered a bit til we found a person in an orange apron. he had no idea. so he sent us off looking for "Charlie" who we were told would be in the next aisle. so we wandered over there, walked up and down a bit. on our way there i saw "Rob" [the guy who originally helped us with the shower, who i made giggle at nipples]. we grabbed the last of the lighbulbs, three only. we seem to always get the last of everything. next we were off to find the wrench. after much searching, we finally found one, just one, not a set of God knows how many. this lead to Mike claiming that we need pliers, EVEN though i said all we need is the universal tool. but nope, we needed it. i went over and started playing with the toolboxes, opening them all and giggling to myself [very easily amused] and next thing i know, Mike is holding one saying "come on, we need batteries" <blank stare> mmok. we spent about 10mins looking at the battery display. unable to find the rechargeable kind. as it turned out, the display continued on the other side and according to the cashier that WAS the battery "aisle". fast-forward to: we have a shopping cart and Mike claims we need to get EVERYTHING we need. i retort: tinfoil. HA! next thing i know i am asking ANOTHER sales associate [this being #5 or so?] for Drain-O. basically, for the next hour or so, we were running up and down the aisles debating over what was needed and what wasn’t. and then finally: Mike cracked and decided that we needed a plant [i had been bugging him that there were no house plants… this was 2 MONTHS AGO!]. but nooooo, we just HAD to have the BIGGEST one. almost. after much searching for someone, we found a guy outside in the garden tent. he had no idea which plant we should get. he yelled to his friend and said "do you know who could help these guys? they want a plant that can grow like Jack and the Beanstalk"… waves of laughter and he sends us back inside looking for a chick whose name i forget. failed attempt to find her, i finally win and get to choose the plant [given that i have almost every one of those plants in my house back in Toronto]. and we choose a nice one with big leaves. on the way to find the pot, the guy from outside is like "ooh, nice, you chose the rubber plant?" me and Mike look at each other confused, we each start feeling the plant,"rubber?" i look at Mike, "great, of all the plants we choose the fake rubber one!!" the guy laughs and says that its a TYPE of plant. more laughter. at this point the cart has a GIANT plant in it, obstructing all view of the path in front of us. Mike puts me in charge of driving. i just about run over at least 2 kids, although one just jumped right in front of me. she had it coming. the plant is sticking out of the cart and at least one person and one kid got hit with the leaves on my way around. i also crashed into another shopping cart and Mike crashed into a pole with the cart. in the end we were walking along Fanshawe Park Rd. wheeling an orange shopping cart with a GIANT plant in it. people were actually slowing down just to stare at us and stepping onto the grass off the sidewalk to let us through. we now have 4 shopping carts in the garage, although it would be 5 if we had taken the Zellers one through the gate. after a long rest break, we went to Loblaws bent on buying stuff we could barbecue and flour. i grabbed a small bag because Mike claimed that nothing needed flour [throughout the store i kept grabbing recipe cards that listed flour and pointing them out]. i turned my back for one second, and *BAM* there was a 10kg bag where my tiny 2kg bag had been. our mission to buy tinfoil had been sidetracked by BBQ-worthy food and cake pans. we got back to the house and *CURSES* we forgot the tinfoil. we turned on our heels and back to Loblaws we went. except this time we had a list, we were only allowed to buy what was on the list. but as soon as we stepped through the door, Mike had an epiphany: we needed a mushroom brush. so he ran up to the guy in the produce section near the ‘shrooms and asked if he knew where we could get one. the guy had never even heard of a mushroom brush! [at this point i recognize most of the employees and am convinced that at any given point they are going to know us on a first name basis] later that night we were bored so we started drawing on me with Magic Marker. [it still has not fully washed off] and we tried to deep-fry a Mars bar but it melted into oblivion. the tiny piece that i fished out was pretty good though.
we woke up in a haze and groggy because we had stayed up until 6 or 7am. what woke up the entire house? Stephanie calling to ask Mike about the plan for Alex’s Moving Day that was this day. this was at like 10am. a few hours later we were helping Alex move and on the way to his [old] house we passed some guys sitting on a tacky, ratty old couch on the front lawn. and i said i wanted that. as of that moment i was determined to get a tacky couch and keep it either: a.) backyard grass, b.) garage, c.) front porch, d.) driveway. but alas, we were helping Alex move so my couch swiping plans had to be moved up to later in the day. on the way back to our house, we saw that someone had thrown out a nice little shelf, and it was decided that on the way back down to Alex’s [with the car being empty and all] that we would swipe it. after unloading the car, i was still bumming around the house and they were all calling out for me. so i ran out of the house, with only one shoe on and Stephanie had started driving away so i ran up and jumped into the moving car. it was awesome. when we got to the curb where the shelf had been… it was gone. but there was still other stuff, so she pulled up real close to it, i slid the door open [its a minivan] and grabbed all the stuff and started tossing it to Alex [stuff: 2 wine bottle holder, magazine rack, shoe rack, and 2 thin wooden poles]. me and Alex started dueling with the poles. and then Mike stuck one out the window. Alex’s [old] roommate [who looks like Ryan]’s cats wouldn’t stop licking Magic Marker off of me. then we had Timmies, i chugged an iced cap and while the car was being refilled with gas i ran into the station and bought a giant slurpee [yes i finally found some near here]. me and Mike also had a duel with the two sticks, except i was in my socks and holding my slurpee and we were in the middle of the street out front of the house [NOW the Caution Children Playing Sign at the entrance is justified].
and so was the crazy weekend that was.
and now i will have to create a new category. Tales of the Three Craaaaaaaaazy Roommates